Alcohologic

I hear the down pour, such solemn taste.
Was it a satisfaction of a common heartache?
There I feel the numb-tender-jerk; a placid masquerade.
I spit up, till I choke. (How?)
Now I tried to raise the bottle as I empty it out.
Its easy to drown and lay silent
from all the commotion around; naught.
As the heart beats like the clinks
of ice tubes floating along with
the bubbly airs of the night.
I felt dissatisfied...

Intro..

Its been several-drastic-days, I have almost shelved this entry; been writing on scattered notes for Alcohologic but wasn't able to find the time to actually sit down and mash the pieces in one.
So here it goes..from the title I bet you know what I'm going to tackle about, eh? I'm pretty sure you got the hint from there.

Alcohol is a man's shoulder to cry on and a nurse's handy obsession (well, on a different case that is..).

Alcoholic drinks have 3 classes: wine, beer and spirits (distilled or more known as hard liquor). While surrogate alcohols includes: paints, cologne, rubbing alcohol, hydrogen peroxide, Antifreeze on engines and liquid soaps, etc (these are liquids containing alcohol which you can't drink or else tsugi ka).

There I said it

There's no repulse in me. As I sat here alone tonight, I took heed of the time to finish a set of song lists of Skillet (Christian Rock) and Katharine McPhee's (American Idol) recent album in one shuffle (also just recently adding up a new song of Kjwan titled "Pause".

This morning kasi, sira connection ng Limewire di ako makapag-download. Tinamad na akong mag-intay. At mas tinamad akong i-play ang lahat sa Youtube (sa dami ba naman ng kanta nila noh?)

I got the time to write last night, just when I finally got to tuck my nephew to bed (he was sleeping beside me 'cause my Mom, her grandma was in Manila for several days). I took the pen and got inspired after reading the new novel of Ricky Lee "Para kay B" (so wala lang may biglang naisip lang ako!).

But definitely I'd still post the next subject Imma 'bout to tackle "Alcohologic", it is the next post I'm sort of trying to speculate, I haven't compose the whole of it yet but I think I'll be adding the previous note I wrote on my mobile phone last year. I hope I could work on it. Need some luck on that.

I wrote all the words that come's out of my head, till I was left writing myself to sleep..

There's no repulse in me tonight. I've been staring at those filled bottles in the ref wondering why I've lost the urge or desire to empty the contents. And throw myself on a splash of splendid liquor delight (even for just a day). I dunno know I think I'm not just up for it. (It's a bit weird withdrawing but I'm not in the position to force myself to do otherwise).

So I put the cube ice onto my iced coffee instead then close the ref door and head back to my bedroom door.

Disclaimer: I'm taking the time off to do other things instead something much finer than drowning myself onto a bottle that would never make me dry the tears I'm holding back.

Alcohologic is still next.

Counting Down the Drops of Dews

When it drops, it drops.. there's no turning back!

I had this saying to myself, as I entered this journal starting to write about last night. And it goes:

I'm at my Aunt's place here in Quezon City since Friday last week. Coming back to the place where I stayed during college, I was excited and abit uneasy at the same time. There were alot of memories: a mixture of the childhood ones, the family gatherings, the stay-in vacations and my college life.

Back then, I still remember, May pa lang, start of classes na. So walang gaano bakasyon ako nalasap nung after graduation ng High School. My first year in QC, puro ako lang. That was the year na medyo pasaway ako nun. I had that certain freedom in my head kasi. (pano walang magulang eh) This chapter I'd provide to another blog entry.

I'm here for a purpose. Since January 10, when my Aunt got back from the States, she hasn't been feeling that well and sometimes not to herself without her knowing. So since I was like the easy-going niece that's undeniably very reachable in times of desperate need, I was tasked to cradle my weak Aunt's hands as if I have all the possible answers to those questions that lay our paths.

The task for this back to QC trip was deem for a family matter: "The Recollection of the Family memorabilia's, furniture's and super lumang plate-wares and Beer mug set." I was expecting na untidy ung bahay since dahil sa work ng Tito ko and especially because of the little poodle dog freely roaming around the house. And to my honest surprise, well, untidy nga.

So okay lang, carry lang basta may TV at my food, solve tayo dyan. For several days, I was just observing my Aunt for reactions and for sudden routines around the house. Pero syempre what I did with my stay there ayun, kumain, nanuod ng madaming movies, naglinis (linis na parang wa-epek ewan ko ba ang gulong bahay talaga dun) at nagbalot ng mga gamit na pinapagawang i-empake.

Nung mga unang araw, okay lang carry lang. Pero dumating ang Sunday at Monday, at napapansin kong, ako ang madalas magluto, naglinis ng konti ng CR, nag-eempake ng mga babasagin na baso at bowls at may kusang maglinis kahit papaano sa sala na tambak ng kung ano-ano. Then it hit me. Hindi okay 'to. But I still remained silent althroughout dragging therapies to movie marathons. Hanggang sa yesterday, lumabas muna akong bahay para kumain! (Pambihirang buhay 'to, lunch na, pero nakahiga parin at walang balak ata magluto ang Tita ko. Maybe I was waiting for her action, an urge to tell, tara magluto na, maglinis tayo, mag ayos tayo nito, mag-Mall tayo, kumain tayo sa labas.) Pero wala..

So this one time, last night, I was watching Resident Evil 4 sitting on a computer chair beside the master's bedroom. When the movie ended, and was starting to sleep I found myself unexpectedly crying for a reason I can't comprehend. Grabe parang ngayon lang yata ako umiyak sa tanang buhay ko. (Dahil umiiyak lang talaga ako kapag pilit na gusto mag-akting aktingan or kapag ayan na at sasabunin na ako ng Mommy ko).

I miss the Aunt that I come to know dati pa. Pareho kaming hard-headed, lahat ng kapamilya nya naka-bangga nya, and I was one of the few na nakatiis sa kanya together with my family. Madali syang naka-clash ng family ko pero ako ung pinakahuli amongst the others.

I miss that person, who could cook and clean-up, who frequently combs and tidies up the poodles in the house, who gives advises and directions when venturing Manila, who walks 4 hours in a mall and never gets tired trying on different sandals and blouses, who talks with convictions and laughs because Wowowee is a funny show, I miss this and all.

And I cried knowing and wondering, could there be a possible way to bring that all back. I want the Aunt I've come to know before. I miss her.

Disclaimer: Its funny going back home, ung mga sa kapaligaran tinitignan mo kung ano ang nabago: kapitbahay, establishements, food etc. I'm here sa pc shop na pinupuntahan ko dati, even if napalitan na ung Name. Wala lang naalala ko lang ung dating adik pa ako sa Ragnarok at ibang computer games hehe.

Alcohologic is next.

Amnesia or Suppression?

I sat contemplating this one night. I could not believe. There are lots of things that I've taken reprieve of. Do I hose it down and freeze the fire away? Or will I let it burning from a distant view?

There are certain things you couldn't escape. Its how the past was written for you. You can never turn the hands of time nor use a white ink to erase the mistakes or those thoughts that even up to now makes you hold back.

If only you can hold back the tears. And say its okay.

The problem with forgetting is.. you can never leave everything behind.

Disclaimer: This is a recall to the written piece I made five years ago, 'First Love and Imageries'. The other night kasi binasa ko un, pati na rin ung kaduktong na 'Prologue' naman. Ayun may naalala lang ako.

I'll try to post both of it sa multiply. Then I'll try to re-edit ung nasulat ko last year na, 'Under the Influence of Infatuation'. I wonder if I'll change the title to (Driving Under the Influence of Infatuation). Hmm, I can't decide yet!

Its the 'K' thing

Have you been hit by the wave of K-Pop yet?

Before my fascination with the new Korean girl-group 2NE1, the first Korean artist I've listened to (even upto now) are Kiss and Utada Hikaru. I still remember her song Automatic and of course her other famous song First love.

But then, still before that I used to watch MTV Pilipinas. During the time when Francis M and Donita Rose were known as MTV VJ's. I always see to it to watch every award show there is and one of them is MTV Asia Awards.

So in watching those, (ayun) I got introduced to other countries music. To name a few: Peter Pan, Boa, G.O.D., Stefanie Sun, Tata Young, Siti Nurhaliza etc etc.

Medyo weird watching it at first kasi ang pinapanuod na performance di maintindihan ang kinakanta. Merong baduy ang tunog pero meron din naman na okay ang timpla.

Now, naglipana na sa radio stations ang mga Korean songs. This time marami na di katulad ng dati na pailan-ilan lang. My family mocks me badly for having weird lists of music (kasi halos lahat pinapakinggan ko, kahit galing Norway or mapa-Trip-hop, or Baroque Pop, or Post-rock.) Tapos since lately I've been listening to 2NE1 that much, inaasar tuloy ako kung naiintindihan ko daw ba ung lyrics. Anu ba naman daw un?

So I was like, music parin naman 'to ah. Parang its a shift, imagine if American ako listening to OPM songs of Urbandub, Silent Sanctuary and Paramita. Do you get my analogy?

Music has a lot of different kinds, different variations, specific fashion statements and certain definitions. Kahit ano pa yan, kahit tunog ewan yan, na kung saang tambol galing.. music pa rin un. Basta may melody, and structure. Music.

Don't let language be a barrier or a discriminating factor for it to be labeled as Music.

Disclaimer: One example Daughtry ang genre nya is Alternative. Other terms known for it will be AlternoRock or Alternative Rock. Kapag napasyal ka naman sa UK, Britpop naman ang tawag na term dun. :D

Kaya may na ba-bash, Dissed at naa-abuse na mga EMO posers. Like I said sa Music meron fashion specific un. And it goes thru the history books kaya ganun dapat i-value un. At di gawing excuse dahil its because of the effin' trend. ~jk's 2cents

Rinse it off (with a faint silent whisper)

So there goes the catapulted dismay that blatantly hits your face. Its like 'bombs away!' and then the tiny fragments scares your guts to tiny specks. You carry all those hopes like a prized possession. Its tattooed onto your soul. But sometimes these effin' things can either lift you or pull you down.

The frustrations to battle can be like one tiring thing to endure but truth be-told--even though the passage to what's bright can be that steep or narrow--don't back down, garner your strength and all your courage. (Sabi nga sa isang Pinoy Rap song, "'Wag kang pupunta sa digmaan, kung wala kang dalang kalasag.") Never look down and lessen your self-esteem, look at the untoward view and think-outside-the-box. (Lemme see what you'll see differently.)

Rinse everything off with this one faint silent whisper. Till it heightens to a stutter, then a loud thud. A hollow cry can be made till you find yourself eagerly screaming...

...rinse it ALL off from a whisper to a scream.

Sometimes you have to learn when to SCREAM!

At the end of this road, there's the world we desire. Don't wait until the world hands you what you want. Instead, shout to the world. Be fearless, and be confident like a youth! --from Big Bang's Shout out to the World

Disclaimer: I have this vision or dream as when I woke up this morning. Scene is shooting area. Do you plunge in to the danger that lies ahead. Parang gyera nagpuputukan, nagbabarilan. Would I dive towards it? Or would I cross to the back of the shooting grounds? (this I ask myself)

If I take the easy way out and go to the backside. I would be a wuss for doing so.

But sometimes in life, you have to take that challenge even if you know, the scary part will swallow you whole. So don't be afraid to try. Take that risk. Pag di na kaya say to yourself, "Konti na lang, malapit na, manalig ka."

And if still, you've given your all, pero parang hanggang dun na lang talaga. Know when to stop, and take heed of your limitations. Then go and proceed to your second option.

May this bring you...

The end of the month of May 2010 draws near: Still I haven't been able to renew my drivers license and with that I still drive around town as if with no worries. (Crazy me) The weather is still almost the same, alil bit cooler in some random time but still with the same sweaty showers even if with slow leisure activities.

I have done some reflections every now and then, as per my previous posts tells. I kind of adjusted with the several changes around me. Cos now, I sort of found a way to stand to a shade of positivity--that I seem to fail to realize--that for-some-freakin'-recent-phase, it is just there, waiting for me to sink in so my slightly tormented heart will be cheered. (blind? gosh!)

The most unhappy of all men is he who believes himself to be so. - David Hume

I used to see things in a brighter perspective. I think its time to bring that personality back. Although I am noted as a person with gloomy wordings and melodramatic poems--I am a positivist.

One free remedy to a depressed, problematic and stressful life is this...

POSITIVISM (derived from ponere, whence positus, that which is laid down, certain), according to A. Comte human thought passes through three stages — theological, metaphysical and positive. (1)

But then I won't linger more beyond Skinner nor Russell's philosophical views about positivism, rather I'm just trying to envelope a different approach to a possible sense of positive healing. 'Healing of the self takes a lot of patience and self-determination. One must take up the responsibility that yes, there is something that is creating a disturbance. That this thing is hampering the self, and that this thing must be removed from the system to ensure a positive healing. It is a slow process. But one can be sure that it will yield good results.'(3)

A positive change in one's life can lead to attract the positive energies that'll enable one's body to be reinforced with good influences and happiness. Although, in some unexpected turn, sometimes one may experience a derivative force of failure, heartaches, frustrations, emotional pains, and depression; the negativity ensues. These circumstances are part of life's process, like a flow chart to one's very own journey.

So in developing a positive change in life, acknowledge the positive and the negative that's making an influence to the inner self. Learn to understand what's causing the problem. This may proceed as realization takes place: 'Self-realization helps a person understand the real cause of misery, and helps to focus on things that are more positive. Realizing one’s true mental and emotional state allows one to heal the inner self. This can be achieved through meditation. It helps in focusing on disturbances and bad memories. One can focus on the happier moments of life and balance these with the negative ones.' (3)

This kind of self-healing gives an alternative procurement instead of manifesting to drug treatments, and any form of depravity (lewdness and vices). Just think of how much an anti-depressant cost? Or what can a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of chilled alcoholic drink can actually attribute to your very own troublesome predicaments, unpleasant stresses and emotional burdens.

Think positive. Its FREE.

She was one of those happily created beings who please without effort, make friends everywhere, and take life so gracefully and easily that less fortunate souls are tempted to believe that such are born under a lucky star. - Louisa May Alcott

Disclaimer: Sing a Suede song "Possitivity" after reading this article. And as the title may say 'May this bring you...'


...peace!


Related links:
http://www.springerlink.com/content/tk07q6vur424868n/
http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=336&dat=19960131&id=t8cRAAAAIBAJ&sjid=D-0DAAAAIBAJ&pg=4707,8231444
http://www.americanchronicle.com/articles/view/48678

A Light Sneeze to Catch

There's this beauty in waking up where you find yourself breathing. The sun heats up, touching your eyes; as if telling you to open it up and stare at him directly. You lay in your bed wondering to your head the later dreams that heavily rained you all night. You smiled.

One wondrous reason in waking up is knowing that you're still alive. Even though life has its ups and downs; terrific crazy moments and gazillions of terrifying pain, the point of realizing one's existence--with all the sub commotions behind it--makes it all worth it. Why?

Cuz that's what makes life worth the thrill to ride at. Its the sort of what makes life exciting. The thing that keeps you pumped up every time you glare your eyes to the morning sky.

I know there's lots of images popping now in your mind this instant. You began to remember, certain memories of the past; the old and new, hurtful and the happy ones. What's there left for you to catch?

In a much lighter aspect, sometimes you may find yourself having trouble sleeping, leaving you catatonic like cause you're eagerly soaked in a bunker of concealed dreams, or a series of burning weight makes you paralyzed, and or a hurdle of thousands of unanswered questions lay hanging; its for you to realize that with all that sprinkled everywhere in front of you, every bit of it lays a purpose for you to know and learn.

Yes, you carry the weight but it does not mean forever. Life is one big giant maze to figure out. Go through with it slowly, surely you'll get there. Then you'll finally see what this so-called life means. Somehow you'll be able to put the missing puzzle that's set for you to reveal.

Till waking up in the morning, neither steals a bother as you'll find telling yourself,

Good Morning Sunshine! Bring it on!

Disclaimer: Ang trip ng buhay, parang roller coaster ang andar. Life's one hell of a roller coaster ride, some will say. But the thing is, its one hell of a ride you can't live without! (insert Eddie, maybe he's one of the PEOPLE YOU MEET @Ruby Pier to fix the ride for you hehe)

Finding reasons to contemplate

I'm a lost soul drifting by. I can see the time ticking behind me. Till I stumble onto a finer reflection glaring. I was just sitting there waiting. Then it hit me hard--what are you gonna do exactly?--so hard, that it left me with nothing to say.

So basically, I was doing things in random, tending to things on a daily basis. I take things as how it flows right in front of me. In simple sense, I just go with the flow.

I speak what comes naturally. I try to make it as spontaneous as I can but often times my mind runs slow on certain predicaments.

I have numerous ways of diversion I can think of when such sudden dilemma strucks my silent hopes and fears. I'm often silent all these years. Its like my own vanity, my own kind of thing. As per being fond of secrecy, I'm not usually very good at telling stories (di ako makwento at di ako magaling mag-kwento).

Then I may proceed.

With the diversion that is. (TV, movies, random music play list, surfing, laundry, cooking, multi-tasking etc.)

Until I find myself contemplating.

I'm a lost soul drifting by the hands of time. I can see the time ticking behind me like I'm running out of ways to fly. Till I stumble onto a finer reflection glaring towards the sunny skies; blazing. I was just sitting there waiting for a moment of wondrous call; praying. Then it hit me hard--what are you gonna do exactly?--so hard, that it left me with nothing to say.

Disclaimer: Some say miracles are laid-out like God's plan. I do suggest, it is probable to those who--truly and genuinely--believe.

Tanduay Ice and Friends

Basically, I opted for some liver damage last night, kasi for two consecutive days di ako maka-alis ng unit. AMP!
Di man lang ako maka-pasyal sa Manila.. gosh! My 2 plans are both ruined kasi kasi.. hayys.. badtrip talaga! dahil dyan 3 Tanduay Ice nga!!

Disclaimer: I was about to head out of the door, but wasn't able to leave.. badtrip!






Note: Buti na lang..naka-chat ko si TIN (medyo sumaya mood ko), tsaka may natanggap ako gift last night.. o diba, ang saya! LAINE superthankyou! :)

Biz

JK thinks: Something is bizarrely wrong? I dunno know what or why? Bahala na!
Ayan na naman ako, maninibago na naman ako sa sudden changes. Life has its complications I know. Maybe there's just certain things that I don't understand? Whereas, a naivete in her own dilemma, I guess this is how the end ropes that's left for me to hold.

Last Sunday, family day nag-farmville harvest kami sa backyard! Mga limang Jackfruit and pinitas namin ng younger Brother ko. Saya! Oh diba musta naman at talaga inakyat ko ang malaking Langka tree. Kahit na mangati-ngati ako sa taas ng puno, wa-care hehe. At kaloka naman ang beauty ko, dahil syempre sa init naka-shirt lang ako, as in walang bra. Buti wala gaano pipol sa labas. Ang adik ko talaga. Minsan lang naman hehe. Bale, ipapamigay na lang daw ung iba sa sobrang dami, ung isang bunga inatado namin ni Cuz. Sarap.

This Tuesday, super init ata parang mas mainit pa sa kahapon! After closing ng Store, ayun pag-uwi namin ng haus, dumating si Tito galing Manila! Ayuz! Foodtrip na!!!
Dinner was American Idol Pizza, with fries, garlic sticks, lots of hot sauce, coke, tapos after several hours Tanduay Ice na hehe.. di na nainom ung Antonov apple vodka. Next time na lang siguro.. maaga pa ang call time tomorrow eh.

Jk thinks: Nakaka-miss ang family bonding, lalo na kung may magte-treat (diba Tito?) Sa mga moments na ganito, tamang trip lang ang kelangan, tamang tawanan, tamang jokes with a food in hand. Solve!

Readers, musta ang recent or last family bonding that you had? I hope it was something special and memorable.


Disclaimer: Thinks again, tatahimik na lang ako Bro.

Do Something About It, I Dare You!

In one of my road trips to Mariveles, I had this one tangled up in my head.. it goes..

Whatever that lurks in the past no matter how painful it is, what's the most enduring thing to do, is to actually move on. To do nothing about it, is one stupid exploit! When sometimes staying stranded on a piece of broken sphere keeps your head still, as if everything's going out okay. But it's not okay. You have to walk on, and keep up the same pace as how you race your life's journey beyond.

Pain will always be the sprinkled value that you'll always stumble at. A hurdle in your own set of race. It will never go away. It'll be forever there like an imprint or a scar. But just like in any race in life. You can jump on the hurdles every time it shows up. Take the courage to jump on it and move onwards. Dare!

Surprise, Surprise its April!

There are numerous things to achieve this month, my birth month. I'm quite frankly stubborn than usual this days. But this is one hell of a crazed notion. I'm thinking of something something. There's a lot in store this month. I have plans. I hope it'll work things out. Although there's a possibility that I can scrape out the surprise once I'm on it and it left me clueless if it'll prosper as one valid gift for someone.

Days before my birthday, I gave a gift to a friend. (Something worth fulfilling kc instead na ako ang makakatanggap ng regalo, eh ako naman ung magbibigay! Kewl!) Truthfully the notion of gift giving to me was something I truly think about deeply. Pinagiisipan ko ang gift na ibibigay ko sa taong pagbibigyan ko. And I won't stop until ma-satisfy ang feeling na, "Hmm eto na yon. Magugustuhan nya 'to for sure!"

I remember.. (to be cont'd)

The Sad Estate

I've climb up the steep hill, and was awed to see a bolted door. Through all the weariness and innocence, I touch its unearthened core. I flip the knob, as the darkened space paves the way. The gallery is filled with dim sadness just like my heart who's left with none to say.

And I steered onto a circled staircase. Not knowing whats in it to see nor what's at stake. As I drew deeper; looked downward from this sad state. I grew wary and distraught 'cause I think I'm at lost with fate.



to be cont'd...


Disclaimer: On a sad mood.

Ninoy, His Story

Ninoy, His Story

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Ninoy, His Story

Ninoy, His Story

Posted using ShareThis

New Direction

Its been years since the last time I've posted or even checked my blog. I left it hanging out in the open! Seriously! haha

But since I just recently set-up a multiply account for another writing venture..
I got alil clueless as to what I'm set to do for this account..

All's well that ends well..